How to Lose Weight in a Formal Suit for Men

"Lose weight fast" is always a great gimmick.  The infamous "before, after, before, after" advertisement in the mirror makes you drool.  There are even miracle pills, wraps and lotions claiming to shrink your waist size and make you more attractive.  Agreeably, since we all have different metabolisms and bodies one may work for you and not for another - even including the scam potions.  I will tell you a few various ways to forego the gym shorts and the foil sweat pants, and acquire the slender you while in your formal suit.  Granted, this works best if you are often in a suit, for instance, church or white collar occupations.

Having wore a suit for most of my earthly Sundays and on-and-off through the week I've acquired some insights of losing weight and improving overall health.  Here are three techniques that you can initiate at home, church or the workplace:

1. Anxiety - If you are wearing a suit it may be for a reason you are not used to.  It may be a wedding, funeral or even a plain church service.  Against all better advice I'd recommend that you make it a habit to conjure up extreme anxiety whenever you put on the suit.  Perhaps you are afraid of weddings or funerals make you too somber.  Going to church might manifest the "wrath of God" and strike you down for your sins.  Whatever the reason may be, you'll find that it is a great source of regularity, thereby flushing your body of all impurities.  As a disclaimer just make sure restroom facilities are readily available.
2. Wear a tie - You may have a puzzling look right now.  How can wearing a tie make me lose weight?  There are all kinds of ties out there.  You can choose one according to your character and personality.  You can wear grandpa's old rusty tie from 1762 or a modern one with cartoons on it.  Whatever you choose you want to make sure it is tied correctly and properly.  The key to losing weight is in making sure it is tied tight.  That way when you sit down you run a good possibility of passing out.  Hence, passing out equals no food intake = weight loss.
3. Good shoes - Ah, yes, nothing expresses a suave man as a nice pair of formal shoes.  They come in great colors as black, tan, burgundy and even navy blue.  Formal shoes don't have the traction as cleats or tennis shoes.  This is a plus for our weight loss endeavors.  As you stroll on the sidewalk take the opportunity to jog or have an all out run.  The absence of sole traction increases your possibility of falling by at least 72%.  This is also good, and puts you on the track further than anything Richard Simmons could provide.  As you snatch that 72% and fall, it is good to learn the rolling technique.  Doing so may prevent damage to your awesome suit.  Anyway, what does falling cause?  It causes you to go through the agony of getting back up.  The process of falling and getting up can result in burning countless calories for you.  Who knows, maybe even up to 120 calories per fall depending on your portliness.  

This post is not designed to make fun of anyone overweight except myself.  Though I am not grossly overweight or obese I do have some portliness - or "porkliness" as the case may be.  If we cannot learn to laugh at ourselves then what is the point of living at all?  Don't take offense to these light-hearted words that are only meant to bring levity to a harrowing plight for many of us.